I almost peed my pants from laughing

Shut up and take my money.

ROBERT THE RED NOSED TEMPLAR
Robert the red nosed Templar
Was a really nasty knight
He didn’t care for freedom
Thought it was a useless blight

All of the other Templars
Used to dread his temperament
No matter how they toiled
Robert never was content

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
When it’d newly rained
Someone shoved him hard and cruel
Right into a muddy pool

Falling into the puddle
Robert bleated like a sheep
Knowing that water’s deadly
Though it’s only ankle-deep


JINGLE BLADES
Dashing over roofs
Doing Leaps of Faith for show
Silent and aloof
Out to slay I go
Target is in sight
So through the air I float
Strike him with an eagle’s might
And stab him in the throat

Oh, jingle blades, jingle blades
Templar’s gonna die!
Get a sword blade in the face
Or arrow through the eye
Jingle blades, jingle blades
Send him to his God
Then whip out the feather
And go wipe it in his blood

A day or two ago
I sauntered down the street
When it began to snow
And I got chilly feet
Hoping to get warm
I quickly picked a fight
Blade extracting from my arm
I pounced a Templar knight

Oh, jingle blades, jingle blades
Templar’s gonna die!
Get a sword blade in the face
Or arrow through the eye
Jingle blades, jingle blades
Send him to his God
Then whip out the feather
And go wipe it in his blood


I'M DREAMING OF A WHITE ROBED CHRISTMAS
I’m dreaming of a white robed Christmas
Where all my brothers gather ‘round
Take a break from fighting and petty chiding
With Templars nowhere to be found

I’m dreaming of a white robed Christmas
The bureaus filled with joy and cheer
There’ll be no one hating, just celebrating
These are the hopes that I hold dear


TEMPLARS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE
Templars roasting on an open fire
Hidden blades with polished shine
Pretty courtesans looking for hire
Street vendors selling mulled wine

Everybody knows a haystack is a splendid space
To hide corpses big and small
But tonight I’ve put gifts in their place
Merry Christmas, merry Christmas to all!

The thieves are all quite naughty, but what the hey!
I’ll hug them all and wish them fortune anyway
And the recruits have done well; they are so great
They deserve an occasion to celebrate

And so I’m spreading all this Christmas cheer
To friend and stranger, whiz and dunce
But if those caroling minstrels come too near
I will stab them at once


ALTAIR IS COMING TO TOWN
You better watch out
‘Cause you’re on his list
Dressed all in white
And blade on his wrist
Altaïr is coming to town

He’ll watch from afar
Or blend in the crowd
Hoodie pulled up
And head slightly bowed
Altaïr is coming to town

He knows where you’ve been going
He knows where you will be
He’s gonna get you whether
You attempt to fight or flee

O! You better watch out
‘Cause you’re on his list
Dressed all in white
And blade on his wrist
Altaïr is coming to town
Altaïr is coming to town


AWAY IN A HAYSTACK
Away in a haystack
You will land safe and sound
Though you jump from a rooftop
Eighty feet off the ground

The haystack will assure you
That the jump’s not your end
So give thanks for the haystack
It’s your very best friend

Away in a haystack
You are safe from the law
‘Cause the guards will not find you
When you hide in the straw

Despite them having seen you
Diving into the stack
They will never come looking
They’re too stupid and slack

Away in a haystack
You can hide those you slay
Though you stuff it with corpses
They won’t spill from the hay

And nobody will wonder
At the stench of decay
Though you dump a new body
In the stack every day


COME AND JOIN THE INITIATION
Come and join the initiation
It’s a very special day
Be part of the revelation
Living the Assassin way!

Speak the words ‘cause
Nothing’s true and all’s allowed
Get the brand and
Safeguard human freedom as you have vowed

Come and join the initiation
It’s a very special day
Be part of the revelation
Living the Assassin way!

Climb the tower
Take a Leap of Faith and soar
Like an eagle
Serve the Brotherhood forevermore, and…

Come and join the initiation
It’s a very special day
Be part of the revelation
Living the Assassin way!

Eagle vision
Hidden blades on every arm
Keep the Creed and
Keep the innocents from coming to harm

Come and join the initiation
It’s a very special day
Be part of the revelation
Living the Assassin way!

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Algrenion, your cover is wonderful. It made my day. I hope my endeavor at contributing to the comedy is tolerable.

Merry Christmas, people.

P.S. If you would like for me to attempt a go at the other songs, I would be very glad to. As English is not my first language, though, my familiarity with English/American culture is correspondingly limited. I therefore have trouble recognizing “Christmas is coming. ‘How exciting!’”, “In high doses, eggnog can kill”, “I can see my presents if I turn on my eagle vision” and “There’s only nine guys left on the naughty list”, and I am not quite sure either which version of “Peace and Good Will Towards Men” you and your brother envisioned.
Best wishes!

Jesus Christ, I can't stop laughing
I'd listen this album.

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Thats a really cool thing, armonthewhite! This pic is epic aswell. Yay.

'Santa is True- Everything is Christmas'
I died

Hahaha, that made my day XP

How exciting! I can't wait for this to come out! ^-^

I. WANT. ...I. WANT. BADLY!!! I would listen to this all. the. time. "How exciting!"